by Jeanne Courtney, MFT

Is it possible, as women, to love our bodies at any size? Every day we’re inundated with impossible beauty standards that tell us we have to be thin to be okay. Body hatred has become an epidemic.

Learning to accept a body that refuses to comply with society’s rigid ideas about looks and size, is similar to accepting any inevitable loss. It involves the same stages of grief -- denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance.

In denial, we almost pretend not to notice our bodies, but casually degrade ourselves and other women for not looking perfect.

The anger stage finds many women abusing their bodies with too much or too little food, depriving themselves of sexuality, physical sport, career choices, and self-esteem. Some have been lucky enough to learn about size discrimination as a political issue, and direct their anger where it belongs, for example, at mass media messages that glorify an ideal and demean real women’s bodies.

In the bargaining stage, we look for that one ultimate diet, "lifestyle change," medical procedure, or even spiritual practice, that will finally reduce our bodies to the size we’re told they’re supposed to be. Or, we say we’re okay with our looks but still find ourselves drawn to extreme, unpleasant exercise and food regimes "for our health."

In the depression stage, we face the fact that we can’t change our bodies the way we once hoped we could. In addition, we may feel hopeless about getting respect from a society that’s still tells us we should be able to change them.

Any or all of these stages may be essential to the healing process as we find our way to accepting two uncomfortable facts: 1) we don’t have complete control over the size of our bodies, no matter how much we deprive and berate ourselves; and 2) we live in a culture where a lot of people still have erroneous, stereotypical, and even hateful misconceptions about fact number one.

A lot of the misconceptions come from the weight loss industry, which stands to lose a great deal if people stop listening to the "obesity epidemic" hype and look at the actual evidence. The gist of scientific research quoted by size acceptance advocates is that 1) weight loss dieting is hardly ever successful in the long run and can in fact cause weight gain, 2) virtually all claims about weight loss as a way to promote good health are invalid, based on research that is correlational, misquoted, or unfounded, 3) weight loss dieting may be the real culprit in so-called obesity-related illness, and 4) sedentary lifestyles and poor nutrition are bad for people of any size and aren’t necessarily more prevalent among fat people.

If these things are true, size acceptance would seem to be a healthy choice, physically as well as mentally. But that’s easier said than done, isn’t it? Given the pressure on women to look a certain way, reinforced with the disinformation that equates that look with good health, it’s not surprising that so many of us have deeply internalized these attitudes and ended up hating our own bodies.

Here are some ways to change that:

1) Don’t put your life on hold. Do something NOW that you’ve been telling yourself you’ll do after you lose weight. It might be a trying a sport, buying a new outfit, applying for a high-profile job, or asking somebody on a date. You have a right to these gratifying experiences and shouldn’t have to earn them by completing an impossible task.

2) Swear off dieting. "Food addiction," or compulsive overeating, is often a reaction to dieting, which can be an addiction in itself. Many people find that when they stop restricting food, they also stop abusing or over-using it. You may crave weight loss dieting, miss it, or associate it with grand hopes and desires. You may want to bargain with yourself when you hear about a new diet fad, like the alcoholic who tells herself she needs just one more drink, even when getting drunk has long since stopped being fun.

3) Be a subject, not an object. Women’s bodies have been evaluated, scrutinized, and literally bought and sold for so long in our society that it’s easy to lose sight of what it’s like to live inside them. Use deep breathing, meditation, physical movement, time with nature, relaxation techniques (such as internal body scanning), or whatever works to help you experience your body from the inside out. Where, inside, do you feel pain, hunger, pleasure, or energy? What does it feel like, physically, to be you?

4) Explore your sexuality. If you’re in a relationship, let your sexual partner(s) know if you need extra assurance that you’re attractive to them. If you’re dating, check out venues (online personal ads, dances, etc.) where people go specifically to meet "big beautiful women." Beyond getting acceptance from the outside, observe and validate your own attractions, desires, and ways of enjoying your body.One stereotype about fat women, believed even by some therapists, is that we must have unconsciously put on weight to avoid sex, perhaps because of early sexual abuse. The truth is that a shocking number of women, fat and thin, have survived some kind of sexual abuse or assault. If you are a survivor, whatever your size, one aspect of your healing may be developing a more accepting relationship with your body.

5) Ask for support. Tell health care providers that you don’t think weight loss dieting is realistic or healthy, and ask them not to make it part of your treatment plan. Try asking them what medical advice they’d give a thin person with the same complaints or conditions. If you have a psychotherapist, discuss how you can feel validated and safe as you explore all your different feelings about your body, without equating weight loss with good mental health. Ask friends to avoid diet talk or deprecating remarks about your body or theirs, even if mutual commiseration about struggling with your weight has been a bonding experience in the past.

6) Get educated. Learn about size acceptance resources, support groups, activities for large people, and health advice that isn’t about weight loss. An excellent place to start is www.naafa.org, the website of the National Association for the Advancement of Fat Acceptance.

7) Move your body. Research shows that women who are exercising are happier with their bodies and their size, regardless of whether they’re losing weight. If exercise has become a dreaded chore that promises (and rarely delivers) the reward of temporary weight loss, it may be hard to get motivated to do it strictly for your physical and mental health. Doing it for fun can seem like a very strange idea, indeed. It’s important to remember that a little something is better than nothing. If you can’t run a mile, can you walk around the block? Find out what forms of exercise you actually enjoy. Movement that’s not a prescribed regimen but simply a part of your life, is what doctors call "naturalistic exercise" – going dancing, biking or walking to work, taking care of a garden, etc. If weight-bearing activities are uncomfortable, check out what you can do in a pool, on a stationary bike, or even in a bed or chair. You should, of course, check with a doctor about any new exercise plan. One who’s familiar with the concept of "health at every size" will likely have good ideas about which exercises large bodies can do and benefit from.

8) Nourish yourself. People who are constantly starting, finishing, or breaking diets can forget what it’s like to listen to their bodies and give themselves the food they need. Find a competent, supportive nutritionist who’ll tell you what healthy eating looks like when it’s not about restricting calories. Observe what it’s like to feel hungry, full, energized by food, or comforted by it. Notice which foods make your body feel pleasure, discomfort, or pleasure now and discomfort later. Conversely, if you’ve done a lot of dieting, you may have to go to the other extreme for a while as you let go of the moralistic dichotomy of good food versus bad food. It’s normal to eat some food, sometimes, just because it’s fun. Harmful binging is often the result of black-and-white thinking about the whole idea of eating for emotional comfort. It’s also important to avoid perfectionism and remember that you are not personally, solely responsible for dispelling all the stereotypes about fat people eating too much or eating "badly."

9) Be gentle with yourself. Chances are, you’ve experienced hurt, humiliation, and rejection around your body. Maybe you’ve lived in a big body that attracts unwanted, negative attention. Maybe you’ve struggled to keep your body within a certain size range but lived in fear of that same negativity. Or maybe there have been drastic changes in your weight, creating a roller coaster ride of wins and losses that have worn down your self-esteem. The good news is that your relationship to your body, however difficult it’s been in the past, can heal. By changing your thinking, trying out new actions and experiences in your body, and getting support, you can learn to love your body exactly as it is and give it the nurturing, dignity, and delight it deserves.

Jeanne Courtney is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who helps women of all sizes develop healthier, more loving relationships with their bodies. She has been providing empathic, responsive therapy for couples and individuals since 1986.

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