12 Fair Fighting Rules for Couples

by Jeanne Courtney, MFT

In healthy relationships, conflict is normal.  Sometimes your needs clash with your partners' needs.  Other times, you might misunderstand each other or trigger strong emotions from the past.  Fighting, when it's done in in a respectful, mindful way, can actually make your relationship stronger.  Here are some guidelines to help you distinguish unfair, destructive fighting, from the kind of fighting that can help you solve problems, work out compromises, and feel closer.

1. DON’T use physical violence or threats. It’s impossible to be honest and clear when you’re not feeling safe.

2. DON’T mind-read or psycho-analyze. Your partner, not you, should be the one to say what he or she is thinking and feeling.

3. DON’T throw in the kitchen sink. Resentments about unfinished fights from the past will cloud the issue and escalate anger. Solve one problem at a time.

4. DON’T use shouting, name-calling, sarcasm, insults, or accusations. In addition to hurting your partner’s feelings, these behaviors insure that you WON’T be heard or taken seriously.

5. DO identify the problem. Ask yourself exactly what’s upsetting you. Is it really that small, annoying thing that just happened? Is it really about your partner at all? Think before you talk.

6. DO choose a quiet, relaxed time and place to have your discussion, if you can. When you’re upset, most problems seem more urgent than they really are.

7. DO tell your partner what you would like to happen, and be specific. Describe the behavior you would like your partner to do. "You never help around the house," will be far less effective than, "I’d like it if you’d wash the dishes at least 2 nights a week."

8. DO use "I" statements. Starting a sentence with the word "you" can put anyone on the defensive, especially someone who’s already mad at you. The word "I" signals that you’re simply going to say your own point of view.

9. DO use feeling statements. "I think" and "I want" are okay, too, but they express opinions and invite disagreement. You are the absolute authority on your own emotions, so no one can argue with "I feel." (Hint: Don’t say "I feel" when you really mean "I think," as in "I feel you’re being unreasonable.")

10. DO use active listening techniques.  Make eye contact.  Listen carefully without interrupting or talking over your partner. Ask questions to clarify (not challenge) what you are hearing.  Then repeat it or paraphrase it, to show you understand, whether or not you agree.

11. DO take time-outs to calm down, if either person’s anger seems to be escalating. Agree ahead of time that time-outs will be, say, 20 minutes long, and be sure there’s a place to go to be apart for that long.  If you do take a time-out, tell your partner that’s what you’re doing, before you walk away.

12. DO be willing to apologize, compromise, or agree to disagree, whenever it’s appropriate to do so.

Request an appointment with Jeanne Courtney.

Lesbian Relationships that Last

by Jeanne Courtney, MFT

A lot of lesbian women who wish for committed relationships have remarked, only half-joking, on the problem of "serial monogamy" in our community. Some have expressed shock when long-term couples they thought of as role models suddenly decided to call it quits. Others have felt baffled and hurt when their own relationships lost passion or came to impasses over conflicts that seemed trivial.

Living in a homophobic society means that, often, our relationships are not taken seriously. It’s hard to get the support we need to keep them healthy. We’re constantly inundated with the message that our relationships, and for that matter our lives, are doomed to fail. Even the most "out," politically aware women can internalize these messages subconsciously and continue to believe, on some level, that our relationships are neither valuable nor viable. This is why we need to fight, on a political level, to have our relationships recognized as valid -- legally, financially, socially, and spiritually. Meanwhile, on a personal level, here are some ideas about how lesbians who want commitment can overcome the obstacles that homophobia creates.

1) Treat your relationship like you expect it to last. This doesn’t mean you should try to stay together at all cost, tolerate a relationship that is abusive, or settle for one that clearly isn’t going to meet your needs. But try starting with the assumption that your problems CAN be worked out. If they really can’t, you’ll be proven wrong soon enough, and you can decide then what you need to do next.

2) Respect the boundaries around you. Don’t treat your relationship, or your friends’ relationships, as if commitments don’t really matter and every woman you’re attracted to is fair game. Talk to your partner and come to agreements –– compromises, if necessary –– about what you’re okay with in terms of flirting, non-monogamy, and close or even romantic friendships. Feelings of attraction or jealousy are just that -- feelings -- and it isn’t always possible or necessary to control them. Actions, on the other hand, are something we can each make responsible choices about.

3) Respect the boundaries between you. Give her space. Honor her limits and your differences. It’s not always necessary to agree with or understand the way she’s thinking; you can still try to empathize with the way she’s feeling. A lack of individual privacy in a relationship -- including social, intellectual, physical, and emotional privacy -- will paradoxically lead to unhealthy secrets and distrust. In fact, too much togetherness ("merging") can lead to no togetherness at all. As lesbians in a homophobic society, it’s easy to slip into a "you and me against the world" attitude and create a suffocating expectation that you and your partner have to meet all of each other’s needs.

4) Talk. Pretending a problem isn’t there just gives it more power over both of you. Don’t be afraid to bring up conflicts. Your partner may already sense that something is wrong. And if she doesn’t, breaking up with her is a pretty harsh way to let her know.

5) Rule out break-up threats as a tactic for winning leverage in an argument. If you are seriously thinking of leaving the relationship, bring it up when you’re not angry and there is time to have a calm, respectful discussion. Better yet, go to a therapist together to talk about what it would take to stay together, or how to minimize emotional damage if a break-up is inevitable. In a "fair fight," only the specific, current problem is discussed (no unresolved past issues or "kitchen sinks"), each person uses "I feel" (not "I think") statements as much as possible, and there is an effort on both sides to de-escalate the anger by avoiding name-calling, threats, yelling, interrupting, or physical intimidation. It can also help to use the "intentional dialogue" technique of feeding back your understanding of what your partner just said, without commenting or disagreeing.

6) Give a little, but don’t give too much. As women, we’re socialized to say yes a lot. You might find yourself agreeing to things too quickly, because you don’t want to hurt her feelings, or because you have a hidden agenda to receive something in return. If this keeps up in a long-term relationship, you might find yourself in a knot of co-dependent resentments that could take years to untangle. On the other hand, love is about giving. Get clear about your own needs, be assertive about what’s important to you, and try letting go of what isn’t.

7) Expect some disappointments. Yes, you heard right. Disappointment is a healthy, normal stage of any relationship that’s on its way to being long-term. In the beginning, it may seem as if you’ve finally found that ideal partner who once existed only in fantasy. Then, after a couple of years (maybe more, maybe less), you lose that honeymoon feeling. All of a sudden she’s a real person with real problems, and you have to decide if you’re in or out. Some women mistake this phase of the relationship for failure, and/or mistake the thrill of some new attraction for true love. Thus the serial monogamy trend.

8) Get help sooner rather than later. Going to couples therapy as a last resort, to rescue a relationship you’re already feeling hopeless about, is a bit like signing up for swimming lessons while you’re falling off a boat. Homophobia contributes to this delay in seeking help in a couple of ways. First, some lesbians may feel they have to prove to the straight world that we’re all just fine, thank you very much, and so deny having any problems. Second, with so many negative messages from society about our "sick" and "sinful" lifestyle, we may subconsciously believe our relationships aren’t worth the effort. But they are. Really.

 Jeanne Courtney is a Licensed Marriage and Family Therapist who has been working with lesbian couples since 1986. With an empathic, responsive approach, she also offers individual therapy to help you explore relationship patterns, past and present, including your relationship to yourself.

Request an appointment with Jeanne Courtney.

Codependency

by Jeanne Courtney, MFT

When flight attendants give their emergency instructions just before take-off, they tell parents to put on their own oxygen masks first, before helping children with theirs. This goes against instinct. What parent, seeing her child in desperate need of something as basic as air, would "selfishly" put her own needs first? The flight attendants are right, though. A parent who's about to lose consciousness, herself, can't be much help to her children or anyone else.

Codependency is a lot like trying to help other people - sometimes practically everybody on the airplane - before you put on your own mask. Caring about other people is a good thing. But if you equate caring with neglecting your own needs, you may find yourself unable to be helpful to anybody, least of all yourself.

How can you tell codependency from compassion?

The difference has a lot to do with how your acts of giving or helping make you feel. Codependency is about sacrifice, whereas compassion feels unlimited, like there's enough for everybody, including yourself. Codependency is based on an obligation to give, or a hidden expectation that you’ll be paid back, while compassion is something you give freely, no strings attached.

How can you tell if your behavior is codependent?

Here are some warning signs of codependent behavior.  If most of these apply to you, or if a few of them apply to you most of the time, you may be relating to people in codependent ways.

• Protecting people from the natural consequences of their own actions.
• Doing things for people that they're able to do for themselves.
• Feeling resentful or disappointed in people.
• Believing people owe you, for all the giving you do.
• Wanting everybody to like you.
• Reacting with guilt or defensiveness when you make mistakes.
• Being afraid to make mistakes in the first place.
• Pushing to change people's opinions or feelings.
• Doing whatever it takes to keep people from getting angry.
• Trying to fix people’s problems for them.
• Believing you have a special mission or ability to be helpful.
• Being attracted to people who seem to need rescuing.
• Seeing your own needs as unimportant.
• Not knowing exactly what your needs are.
• Feeling uncomfortable when you get gifts, compliments, or help.

What causes codependency?

If you grew up with parents who abused drugs or alcohol, abused you, or just weren’t able to be there for you emotionally, chances are you developed some codependent behaviors. To survive your childhood, you may have had to take care of your own caretakers. It was probably important to pay close attention to what they needed, avoid making mistakes, and do whatever it took to keep peace.  Keeping other people happy can become a habit that hangs on, even after you've grown up.

Other reasons for codependent behavior include a need to feel needed, a feeling of superiority or pity, or a discomfort with your own emotions that makes it seem easier to focus on other people instead.

In women, codependency can also be a product of social conditioning that’s based on gender stereotypes. We can easily get the message from our families, the media, or society in general, that our only purpose is to support and nurture other people.

Why is codependency a problem?

In addition to the toll it takes on your own mental and physical energy, codependent behavior can make a partner, spouse, family member, friend, or co-worker feel smothered or controlled.  It usually leads to resentment on both sides of the relationship.  By trying too hard to be helpful, codependents keep other people from facing their own problems and developing their own strengths.

It’s easy for a couple to get entrenched in a pattern where one partner's constant giving, deprives the other of growth opportunities and independence.  For some, breaking up seems to be the only way out. Even then, the codependent partner sometimes moves on to a new relationship, with a new person who seems to need her help, and the pattern repeats itself.

Is it possible to change?

Breaking out of the pattern requires a willingness to try new habits, such as:

• saying no,
• letting people feel angry or sad when they need to,
• tolerating or even creating conflict, and
• asking for what you need.

These new behaviors may feel strange at first. They may seem selfish. Ultimately, though, it will become clear that this is the way a truly compassionate person acts.

You’ll not only be serving your own needs; you’ll be showing respect for other people's ability to take care of themselves. Instead of being disappointed in them and resentful about your own unmet needs, you will come see the ways you're in charge of your own life, and see how important it is for them to be in charge of theirs. By caring for yourself -- putting on your own oxygen mask first -- you can build a reserve of emotional strength that will benefit you as well as the people you care about.

Changing codependent habits, of course, is easier said than done.  Therapy can provide the patience and guidance you need, to start putting your own needs first.

Request an appointment with Jeanne Courtney.